10 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS ABOUT THE HOSPITAL

HELPFUL TIPS FROM THE WARD: 09/16/12

 

10 Universal Truths About the Hospital

Over my 21 years of chronic illness, I have perfected the art of the “hospital stay”.  I have observed, studied, ease dropped, researched, recorded, and filed all the important stuff one should know before your hospital stay like; what to expect, what will invariably happen, how to set your expectations properly, how to surrender all humility gracefully cuz your gonna lose it anyway.  These, I propose, are the “Universal Truths” that will reveal themselves to you in one way or another no matter the hospital, the length of your stay, or any language/cultural differences. I am only sharing them because you are special to me.  Please keep them to yourself, as we wouldn’t want to give the opposition an added advantage.

1)      No matter the number of snaps or ties on your gown, you will discover that some personal part of you was hanging out of it only after you return to your room from a walk around the ward.

2)      No matter how hard you try to prevent it, your telephone will always ring only after you are seated on the throne and fully engaged in the ever so publicly discussed and charted “bowel movement”, or as soon as your doctor walks in the room.

3)      No matter the reason for your hospital stay you can expect to get up close and personal with the volume and number of cc’s of your “urine output” as it will be collected in a “toilet hat”, and never emptied (except by you as you stand, legs crossed, trying not to wet yourself). Ditch that thing in the farthest garbage can from your room as soon as the nurses are not looking.  A second one will rarely reappear.

4)      The best companion for a lengthy stay is a medium sized stuffed teddy bear.  I know, ‘you’re adults, and adults don’t indulge such childishness”, but trust me you will be able to be much more civil to all you meet after hugging, smashing, and even punching the stuffin outta that thing whenever necessary.

5)      The “Free” footies are free for a reason.  They have no top or bottom, no heal or toe allotments and this makes them “free” to head in any direction they like…and they will.  The anti slip part will wind around your ankles such that the only thing they keep from slipping will be your hairy ankles. So, BYOS…Bring Your Own Socks!

6)      Hospital “Mr. Klienex”, need I say more?  If you value your nose, your lips, your cheeks, only use the hospital “Klienex” as a paper weight; smash it and use it as a bookmark; but whatever you do…DO NOT USE IT ON YOUR FACE!  So, BYOK…no explanation needed.

7)      The water mug; there is an astounding phenomenon going on in the medical world with regard to the coveted water mug. 21 years ago the mug was big enough to hold about 40oz of liquid. Five years ago it shrank to an approximate volume of 32oz.  Today it is clearly marked as 19oz if filled to the very brim.  So, I want to know, is it an attempt at rationing water or minimizing exposure to plastic poisons?  If you know you are going to be bed bound for any length of time (like bedpan style) BYOC with a side water reservoir as the nurses will be too busy running just trying to refill all those tiny water mugs and you will dry up like a raisin in the sun waiting for yours!

8)      Do not be timid about rolling your suitcases into the ER or Admissions Department.  They will look at you funny, but so what?  Bring everything you will need for the length of time they say you will stay, and then pack the second suitcase with everything you need to be comfortable and entertained “for the long haul”.  A PC or tablet and a smart phone are must bring items!  I am convinced hospital stays are the reason social networking is such a huge success.

9)      Look for the funny in everything!  The “I wanna cry” will always be stalking you.  Don’t let it catch you because nothing good comes from it, and if forced to use their “Mr. Klienex” you will be sad and deskinned!  Laugh at your bad hair. Look for the “cloud figures” in all of your wrinkle spots. Chuckle at how you are beginning to smell because you “aren’t allowed” to shower.  Patient bed smells are a great line of first defense in fighting off the vampires!

10)   Roll on the floor laughing when your friends and colleagues say they’re coming to visit you. Take a picture of yourself and put it out there on “facebook” right away so the embarrassment is over in one grand post and everyone knows what to expect.  For me the caption always includes; “Face red and round, neck vanished, as many chins as a Chinese phonebook.”  There…it’s over and nobody is expecting anything less than your very worst photo ever!  In this case if you are not photogenic, you have an added advantage over those who are, because you will look better in person.

 

Guard and hold these Universal Truths always within your heart, for whosoever knows them going in, they shall, in some small way, be the victor!